This is why, i m SiNgLe!!!!

Having a girlfriend is cool, right? WRONG.
Sure, some people’s brains are configured to deal with the way girls’ minds work, but I’m not one of them. The reason I say this is because I’m not willing to compromise, at all. And let’s face it, that’s all a relationship really is: one big compromise. It’s usually only a compromise on the guy’s part, too. Girls don’t mind dumping all their friends when they meet a guy, and they usually have good hygiene when they’re single.

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Every once in a while somebody will ask me why I’m single. Usually I just shrug my shoulders and stare at them with a blank look on my face. Every once in a while though, somebody will expect an actual answer, so I tell them the truth: I’m a jerk.
Really, I’m not nice to people on a consistent basis. In the end, they try to convince me that I just haven’t found the right person that I’m willing to compromise for. So, being the shining optimist that I am, I’ve decided to outline my issues here, just in case there is a woman out there who is willing to accept me, and my terms, for what they are.
1. Talking on the phone is BORING. Seriously, it is. No, ladies, this isn’t the joke, it is really fucking boring.
"Like, OH MY GOD, you'll never guess... I lost my cell phone!!"
I hate talking on the phone; girls love it. I don’t know why, but girls just like to go on and on about their day and the people they work with. It’s always the same bullshit conversation, too. Here’s how a conversation with me goes…
Me (in an irritating tone because I hate being interrupted when I’m trying to learn how to play more Journey on my keyboard): Hello.
Girl: Hey, how’s it going?
Me: Great. I’m always great by the way, you should know this by now, we’re fucking dating, remember? Anyway, how was your day?
Girl: It was so exhausting. I didn’t get like any sleep last night, then I had to wake up to go running this morning and this creepy guy was running way too close to me.
Me: You don’t have to go running, you weigh like 115 pounds.
Girl: YES I DO! I ate like three mini Snickers bars yesterday, and that’s like 2 points.
Me: Who cares, sometimes I eat three regular size Snickers bars in one hour, who gives a shit?
Girl: Blah, blah, bloop, black, bleep, blip, blah, blog, hog, hogwarts, hogwigger, wigger…
That’s pretty much what I hear from that point on. BORING. There is honestly only about three to five minutes worth of conversation in any given day. After that you both just try to think about things to talk about.
2. Girls dump all their friends when they have a boyfriend.
This I just can’t understand. Who else is going to listen to you cry when you had a bad day? NOT ME!
Girls, if you’re sitting there thinking this is bullshit, think about that one friend you USED to have until she met Eric. This puts a huge burden on your relationship. Now, the only person she has to hang out with is you, and you just want to hang out with your friends. At some point you get tired of staring at her “big fucking stupid won’t leave you alone ever for the life of you my god I can’t believe she’s still here why won’t she just go home to use her own shower I didn’t even think she was that good looking I just wanted head now look at me I hate my life and you have no idea” face.
Girls will always lay the biggest guilt trip on you, too. All you want to do is go out with your friends, but then what will she do? She doesn’t really want to go with you, and you sure as shit don’t want her tagging along, but she has no friends anymore so you have to stay home to keep her company. You’ll probably end up watching Dawson’s Creek or something.
3. Girls can’t let things go.
This is by far the worst one. It’s inevitable that I will say something insensitive because I don’t have a sensitive bone in my body. If you ask me a question and expect an honest answer, I’m going to give you one. If you ask me a question and don’t expect an honest answer, I’m still going to give you one.
The bottom line is this: you will get very upset with me at some point, at which time I will try to reason with you. However, instead of thinking logically, you will let emotion blind you as you start to cry. And because I was probably doing something important, like watching re-runs of The A-Team, before you decided we needed to talk about it, I’ll attempt to resolve the conflict immediately by using the age old tactic of apologizing. You will not accept my apology right away and you will tell me that you don’t want to talk to or see me right now.

The next day it’ll be a little awkward but we’ll make up and things will be really good because we will both be relieved that we don’t have the added stress of fighting anymore. At that point you will accept my apology.
Now, normally when somebody accepts an apology, it’s over. Not with girls though. It’s like the fine print on your cell phone contract that binds you to never being able to get out of it, no matter how much your service sucks. Of course nobody ever reads the fine print so you never see it coming.
At some point down the road I will once again say or do something that upsets you and you will throw my previous indiscretions back in my face. Then the issue will be compounded by the newly formed issue and the old ones that you are now mad about all over again. I will then need to apologize for past remarks and doings before you will consider an apology for my latest. BOGUS! An accepted apology is a closed, reinforced, 12-inch thick door that is padlocked and equipped with a fingerprint reader and retinal scanner. There’s no way you’re getting it open again. Not even the most l33t haxor could break in.
If you’re a girl and you haven’t stopped reading this, you’ve kept reading for one of two reasons: One, you think it’s hilarious because it’s true. Or two, you think I’m a sexist, woman hating prick—because deep down, you know it’s true.

How to Masturbate with Your Roommate in the Room!!!

There comes a time in every college kid’s life – HAHA I said “come.” Sorry, I’ll start over. There comes a time in every college kid’s life when he needs to masturbate and his roommate will just not leave the room. It’s like he’s frozen there. Seconds seem to be minutes. Minutes seem like hours. Get a clock or something. Then your concept of time won’t be so messed up.



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Most people can usually find a time to masturbate throughout the day – for example, when your roommate leaves for class, to go eat, or for a quick piss. But you are different. You masturbate with the best of ‘em (yourself…and Bang Bros trailers). You need to masturbate at least every day or you’ll explode, your guts and stored-up cum bursting into the air out of your broken body.
The Old “My Grandma Died So I Have To Masturbate” Lie
Start obviously fake crying after pretending to receive a call by holding a closed flip phone up to your ear. When your roommate says, “What are you doing?” or whatever, say, “My grandma just died. Is it cool if I masturbate?” When he asks why, say, “Well, I’ll be going home for the next four days and it will be rude if I masturbate there during this difficult time. Plus, I’ll be busy with the funeral and shit.”
When he says, “Okay,” masturbate like the people of Darfur’s lives depend on it (they kind of do, actually). Just really have a blast here. Do something different during this masturbation session than you normally would. Explore your body and the objects in your room.
Continue on with your life as normal until your roommate says, “Why haven’t you gone home for the funeral yet?” Then say, “Oh good news buddy! My grandma came out of that coma!” Then when he says, “You said your grandma died, not that she was in a coma,” fucking leave. Run.
Party Boy, Extended Edition
Go up to your roommate, and as a joke, start doing the Party Boy to him. Then, don’t stop. Keep staring at him directly straight in the eyes. Pretend you are Chris Pontius. But don’t smile. This is serious; your masturbation, the releaseture of the hounds, is on the line. Keep humping him until an unidentified white liquid comes out of your penis. For someone like me, the process would take upwards of fifteen minutes, but for someone like you it could take as little as five minutes. The humping may be awkward, but if you can’t get it up while humping another guy, you can’t get it up for anything.
Clean up and pretend like nothing happened. Avoid eye contact and conversation for three days after the fact. Then bounce back and be in a ridiculously good and generous mood so that no questions are asked. Resume eye contact and maintain light conversation.
The “This is Nothing Out of the Ordinary” Approach
This approach takes a lot of time, and you have to start from the very outset of your relationship with your roommate. When you meet him for the first time on the first night of the new school year and he reaches out to shake your hand, grab his hand on the outside and bring it to your midsection, slowly sliding his hands down your pants, brushing through the brushy pubes. Then, when it’s about to reach the bottom of your penis, say “just kidding” and give him his hand back.
Unpack a few boxes.
Start taking off your clothes, slowly, article by article, making sure that you are making a lot of noise and staring at your roommate EVERY SINGLE TIME he looks over.
Never put clothes on again after this point. You will now be living the life of a nudist.
Encourage openness. Encourage him to take his clothes off and do the same, even if he repeatedly refuses, every day. He will eventually realize it is The Way.
Masturbate like it ain’t no thing. Do it like it’s any other task. After all, is there really that big a’ difference between working on math homework and masturbating furiously, just really going to town on your genitalia while another person watches in horror and you say, “This is what you could be doing right now – totally cool with it, brah.”
The Diversion Trick
Keep yelling, “Look out the window! A freak car accident with a monkey eating a panda’s guts while the panda looks up and smiles, then looks away, then looks back up at the monkey but isn’t smiling this time!” as many times as necessary. Anything to keep him from looking at you. Say, “Your hot mom is jacking off your hot-ass dad.” Anything. Nothing is off-limits except you not getting to masturbate. And that’s not going to happen. This is your one and only thought and goal for the day. That sperm is a disease and you need to get it out of you.
The Silent Treatment
Pretend you’re in the world’s quietest library. Pretend this library also takes place during Saddam’s evilest years of his reign, and if you make a sound, you will be put to death in a brutal, unimaginable new way of murdering.

If you do not make a sound, your roommate will not know you’re masturbating unless he’s staring directly at you, and then he’d be gay for watching another dude masturbate so that’s his problem, right? Therefore, not only your life but your climax depends on you being fucking quiet. The only acceptable sound is if you let out a little girly moan during climax, and short bouts of crying after, but THAT’S IT.
Cover It Up (Not Your Dick)
Cover up the noise of your shaft-stroking by repeated horrific screams. When your roommate asks what you’re screaming about, tell him he does not need to worry about it since you are screaming because everything is perfectly normal right now and this is you at homeostasis. Then say, “Did I just say HOMOstasis? Haha, fags are so gay.” He should not say anything after that.

What Your Handshake Says About You

Handshakes: the most important part of meeting a new person. This small gesture can literally make or break a relationship from the very beginning. We’ve all been victims of a bad shake, whether it’s too weak, too strong, or the grab is poorly timed and as a result the grip suffers terminally. You can tell a lot about a person from the defects in their handshaking.

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Let’s break it down right now.
The Weak Shake
A weak grab and limp wrist, commonly referred to as the “dead fish,” says, “Hey man, nice to meet you. I’m a pussy. A sopping wet pussy.” People with dead fish handshakes tend to have dull, “my parents got divorced during an important developmental stage of my life and I never really rebounded” kind of personalities. They are also commonly the awkward, self-conscious kids enduring puberty. Maybe you can give these kids a break because their not sure what’s happening to their bodies, or why hair is growing in new weird places, or why their underwear is all wet when they wake up. Did he spill? Did he wet the bed? Man those body painting pictures in the Sports Illustrated under his dad’s bed are hot. The kid has a lot on his mind.
But anyone else with a weak handshake is not someone I want to be associated with because, as I said before, he’s a pussy. And to tell you the truth, I’m not a really big guy so I need people around me who can stand up and fight for me when I run my mouth too much. Pussies don’t provide much protection, so after a weak shake I write the guy off and if I ever talk to him again it will be in a very condescending tone. Fuckin’ pussy.
The Strong Shake
We’ve all been falsely led to believe that a strong handshake makes you more of a man. That’s bullshit. In fact, too strong of a handshake makes you less of a man. Much less of a man. It is a certainty that a guy with an excessively strong handshake has an excessively small penis. He wants to dominate you socially, and he thinks that by shaking your hand extra hard he achieves this. But trust me, the only thing this guy could dominate is a squirrel. And squirrels are hard to catch, so you can bet that this asshole hasn’t dominated anything for quite some time.
Too strong handshake guy might think he dominates girls in bed, but they definitely fake it every time. They make him feel good about himself so he’ll buy them things, but they absolutely toy themselves with cucumbers and baseball bats afterward because his penis is minuscule. Even smaller than an Asian guy’s. What about an Asian guy with a death grip? Their penises are inverted.
The Early-Grabber
The overzealous early-grabber grabs your fingers before you have a chance to grasp his palm, much like he ejaculates before the girl he’s having sex with has a chance to climax. This guy jumps into handshakes like he jumps into many life situations: too quickly. He’s the kind of guy who gets to the party early, and is in the way while you’re still setting up. He says he’ll help out, but all he does is open new bags of chips and 2-liter Cokes and eat all the almonds from the bowl of nuts. I take my party throwing very seriously, so I don’t need someone like that around. Get the hell out of my life. You probably think we’re friends already don’t you? Maybe you should curb that zeal of yours.
The Woman Shake
Shaking hands with a woman is a wildcard. Oddly, a shake with a woman where you grab her fingers and she grabs yours isn’t really awkward, it’s more sophisticated and dainty. However, you don’t really want to mess with a woman with a strong handshake. They tend to be mannish, and if they don’t look mannish then you still don’t want to associate with them because they’ll rip your balls off at the first opportunity.

In fact, unlike men, women with excessively strong shakes have HUGE penises. They’re driven to succeed and will cut you down to get ahead. I was never an advocate of the whole equal rights business, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now. Thanks a lot Susan B. Anthony, who definitely had a repulsively strong shake for a woman.
The Dap + Shake
Have you ever been part of a greeting where you go for a shake, but the other guy goes for the dap? This is, arguably, the worst one of all. Your fingers just kind of touch each other’s palms and you both linger there for a moment with an unrealistic hope that the other person doesn’t notice how terrible it is. It leaves a terrible taste in your mouth, much like eating out a girl with acid pussy. Gross.
So think about your handshake next time. What do people think of you when they shake your hand? Are you a pussy? Is your penis very small? Are you a woman with a penis? No matter what your handicaps are, you can still make a normal first impression with a solid handshake.
Here’s how to execute:
1. Meet hands with your shaking partner but don’t grab yet.
2. Wait until the web between your thumbs and index fingers meets the other person’s.
3. Grab firmly but not overbearingly.
4. Look the other person in the eye, and you’re on your way to success!

Bar Riddle

Santa took a trip to Sydney, Australia. While in a bar, an Autralian on the next stool, spoke to our Santa in a friendly manner."Look," he said, "let`s have a little game. I`ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t then you buy me one. OK?""Yeah, that sounds pretty fair and exciting too," said Santa.The Australian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn`t my brother. It wasn`t my sister. Who was it?"Santa scratched his head and finally, when he was tired of thinking, said, "I give up. Who was it?""It was me," chortled the Australian.So Santa paid for the drinks.Back in Ludhiana Santa went into the bar and spotted Banta, "Hey Banta," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t, you have to buy me one. Fair enough?""Fair enough," said Banta.Ok...my parents had one child. It was not my brother. It was not my sister. Who was it?""Search me," said Banta. "I give up, who was it?""It was some Autralian, down in Sydney."

New Girls..

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap."Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Nick! New arrivals.... want? 25% off now..."

One for Imamuddin !!

Subedar Santa and Subedar Imamuddin were in the same regiment in the British Indian Army, they were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together.The partition separated them as Subedar Imamuddin was absorbed in the Pakistan Army. To keep his friend`s memory alive Subedar Santa always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained:"This glass is Imamuddin`s; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each- One on behalf of Imamuddin, the other for myself."Suddenly one evening Santa was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what happened.He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Imamuddin has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."

Final Examination

Santa reported for his university final examination, which consists of "Yes/No" type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.The moderator, alarmed, approaches his and asks what is going on.Santa replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."